Maintaining Respectful Conversations During Polarized Times

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In our increasingly divided political landscape, maintaining respectful conversations with those who hold different views can feel like navigating a minefield. A former student wrote to me about his experience in this minefield. In the parking lot of a local bar, he noticed a young woman getting out of her car and made eye contact. They were both heading inside the establishment and began to chat.

Once inside, he met up with a guy friend and they asked the woman to sit with them. They all chatted comfortably on many subjects. After quite a while, the woman mentioned a political candidate and one of the men said he actually liked that person. The woman suddenly became irate and “blew up” at both young men. She then jumped topics immediately and accused them of being racist.

My friend reported that nothing at all in the previous conversation would have led either of the men to believe this event could have even happened. He asked how he might avoid finding himself in polarized conversations in the future. Fortunately, there are etiquette rules of engagement that can help keep respectful conversations from going awry.

Aiming for Peaceful Interactions

The foundation of civil political discourse begins with your approach. Before engaging in political conversations, remind yourself that the goal isn't to "win" but to understand and hopefully be understood. Remember that behind every political opinion is a person with unique experiences, fears, and hopes that have shaped their worldview.

Before engaging, set clear intentions with yourself:

Focus on learning rather than persuading.
Commit to maintaining respect regardless of disagreement.
Recognize that reasonable people can reach different conclusions.
Acknowledge that political views don't necessarily define a person's character.

Finding yourself in the company of someone who can't simply disagree and let go creates an uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately, there are people who believe that others who don’t hold the same political or religious/irreligious beliefs are not just misguided, but that they are also bad people. (This is probably what happened in the bar conversation above.)

Fearing these type situations creates a sense of dread when it comes to having conversations with friends, family members, or even strangers. It's a proverbial roll of the dice whether someone will share your viewpoint, or how they might react upon discovering they do not share your viewpoint.

Being etiquette-ful implies that you are willing to soften the rough edges of conversation by "not going there with strong feelings." Etiquette is aimed at peaceable interactions, even when there may be an underlying disagreement.

Etiquette guidelines are engaged in the moment, at the margin, and only by individuals. You have no control over what someone's opinion or reaction will be, but you do have control over your own words and reactions.

An Open Mind Leads to Civil Conversations

Once a conversational explosion happens, it’s too late to do anything about it. Practicing these five skills of civil conversation can help you be ready for, or help diffuse, a potential explosive situation.

Listen to understand. Be able to summarize it back. “So, help me clarify, are you saying…” You are clarifying for yourself. This differs from listening and summarizing to formulate a response or rebuttal, which you are not doing in this situation.

Encourage yourself to be curious about what the other person is saying. Curiosity carries no judgement and encourages an open mind.

Use “I” statements when talking about your view on a particular subject. Using “you” statements can come across as blaming. "But you just said . . ." or "You seriously believe that . . ." Instead try: “I’m concerned about how this policy might affect our community because . . .”

Look for common ground in any conversation. Seek it out. Having conversation starters in mind before you engage prevents bringing up topics that might trigger negativity. “John, I hear that you really love this country. I’m like you. I appreciate living here so much.”

Back off when needed. Etiquette asks that we employ pause -- short or otherwise. It may be that you find yourself trapped with nowhere to go on a subject the other person is reactive about. "Cory, I see your point and feel your concern. I also know we differ a lot on this subject. .Should we stop our conversation about it and move on to another topic?”

Moving Forward Together

Remember that civil political discourse isn't about achieving perfect agreement. Success means engaging in respectful dialogue that deepens understanding and maintains relationships despite differences.

Tips for Long-term Success

Continue educating yourself on various perspectives.
Practice empathy and curiosity.
Focus on solutions rather than problems.
Maintain connections across political divides.

Maintaining respectful conversations – especially regarding politics – requires intention and practice. By approaching these discussions with respect, curiosity, and empathy, you encourage civility by being a living example of it. When you can find common ground, show understanding, and be authentic enough to stand your ground as you change the subject, you will automatically earn the respect of others who wish to follow your example.