Responding to “What Do
You Really Think?”

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When asked, “What do you really think?” the intended emphasis is on “really.” The question is fascinatingly complex in social interactions. While it ostensibly invites candor, there is often subtext that has the potential to create a delicate situation.

The context and tone matter enormously. When a close friend asks this question while genuinely seeking advice, it can be a true invitation for honesty. You will recognize these occasions for what they are. However, in professional settings or with acquaintances, your default should be to remain on alert. It can sometimes be a rhetorical trap – either to document criticism or to prove someone is being "negative."

The “What Do You Really Think?” Trap

Some people extend the invitation blindly. Some only think they want to know your honest and unfiltered thoughts. Still others invite your opinion with an ulterior motive in mind. It’s difficult to tell the difference sometimes, which is why many of us fall into the “What do you really think?” trap.

When asked for honesty, we are likely to trust the request for what it is. We may even be flattered by it. But when we answer straightforwardly and sincerely, we find out that our answer is viewed as a criticism.

Your coworker may ask you, “What do you really think about what Patrick said to me in the note I forwarded to you?” Your honest response could be, “Well, Katie, I understand why Patrick might have a different view. Is it possible that you can get a little testy regarding certain subjects?”

You were asked for an unfiltered view of the situation, but your honest answer potentially created a combustible moment. You now have to talk your way out of the trap, or let Katie think you’re siding with Patrick. Had you been able to recognize Katie’s request for what it was, you could still have been honest while being diplomatic. After all, she didn’t really want your opinion. She was seeking agreement and emotional support.

A Practical Approach

To avoid combustible moments like the one above, here is a practical approach to handling the question, “What do you really think?”

First, gauge the asker's emotional state and the situation. Are they calm and receptive, or already defensive?

Consider testing the waters with a gentle question like "What aspects are you most interested in hearing about?" This helps clarify their true intentions.

If you decide to proceed with honesty, sandwich any criticism between positive observations. For example: "I see several strong elements, particularly X. There might be room for adjustment in Y, but overall, the direction is promising."

Keep in mind that even when people genuinely want honest feedback, they may not be emotionally prepared for unvarnished criticism.

One effective strategy is to turn the question back by asking "What makes you ask?" This can reveal the asker’s true concerns and help you tailor your response appropriately.

Before You Ask for Someone’s Thoughts

Before yielding to temptation and, for example, asking a coworker, “What do you really think about the meeting we just had?” consider that you are about to draw that person into a situation that could be tricky for them to get out of. Any number of scenarios might have provoked you to want to include another person who will be sympathetic. But etiquette calls on us to consider how our actions affect others.

If you find yourself wanting another opinion, try asking a more genuine question: “Cheryl, I received a disturbing communication from Mark. I am really upset by it. I could use some input in knowing how I might respond.”

You posed your request for Cheryl’s thoughts on the situation by first telling her your thoughts and asking for her help in seeking resolution. By doing so, you have encouraged a positive, but still honest, response. In other words, you helped Cheryl avoid falling into the “What you really think?” trap.

Accentuating the positive is always a right approach. Every situation is unique, but with practice for appropriateness, it is possible to share your opinion – or ask for someone’s opinion – in an honest, diplomatic manner.