Dealing with Out of Character
Behavior From Someone You Know

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Out-of-character behavior always carries a certain amount of shock value with it. As the saying goes, "just when you think you know someone . . ."

We thrive on consistency and want the people in our lives to be reliable. We feel secure in knowing we can predict their behavior. Even when one's behavior is consistently unpredictable, we can prepare ourselves for possible outcomes.

But when you've known someone's consistent behavior for some time and suddenly, an action, reaction, or comment comes out of left field, it can leave you dumbfounded.

Take a Pause

Remember, no one is perfect. Even a good friend you've known for years. When that person displays unexpected, irregular, and inconsistent behavior it could be an indication of any number of causes. Illness, a personal life challenge, or an uncomfortable situation may cause a person to lose their cool.

The first rule of etiquette is to be respectful and courteous, so when someone we know and like shocks us, being as calm and kind as possible is the first step to handling the situation. If this is the first time you've been witness to an episode like this you will, of course, be shocked. But take a pause, catch your breath, and try to smooth over the situation at hand.

If an outburst is directed at you, you may not only be surprised but hurt as well. As you take a pause, consider if the outburst requires your immediate reaction. Is it worth defending yourself? Do you owe an apology or acceptance of responsibility? Or should you simply remove yourself from the situation?

Checking In

Once you feel comfortable doing so and can have a private conversation with your friend, check in and ask if everything is okay. Tell them how out of the ordinary their behavior seemed to you and that you are concerned.

Listen to their explanation without judgement. Consider the context of their behavior and think about any recent stressors or life changes they are experiencing. Sometimes unusual behavior or emotional outbursts are really a reaction to an event or unfortunate situation.

Let them know you are there for them if they need help or just want to talk. But don’t push if they are not ready to open up. Just knowing they have a friend they can turn to is comforting and can be more helpful than you realize.

When Out-of-Character Behavior Becomes True Character

A Maya Angelo quote reads, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Paraphrasing that: people may tell you who they are, but when they show you who they are—that’s what you should believe about them.

If it happens that a friend, appreciated acquaintance, or co-worker blurts something out of character for them, it’s up to you to remind yourself that you know the better person this person is—not the one who is showing up disrespectfully.

Unfortunately, some people wait until they are more comfortable around you to begin showing their true colors. Words and actions you thought were out-of-character become more commonplace. This is the time when you must decide if you agree or disagree with someone's behavior. If you can't be in agreement with this person’s opinions or character, know that your ideals and integrity are not worth sacrificing.

The Bottom Line

Etiquette demands that we do not meet disrespect with disrespect. The mindful pause etiquette gives often provides the time to get your grip and find the right words.

Being your etiquette-ful self means than you are intentional in not adding fuel to the flames of someone else’s poor behavior. Plus, your calmness in reserving reaction can serve to mirror to the other person that their words and actions need consideration. When the time is right, and you can do so privately and calmly, discuss your friend's out-of-character behavior with them, asking if you might help with the situation in any way.

Then, as a good friend does, keep the discussion between the two of you. If they need a true friend, they'll know they have one in you.